Today, I did not do something that many people did this morning. They all woke up, woke up, woke up in tandem like little cogs in the machine that powers the society in which we live. Everyday people get into their routines while drinking their 4 dollar coffee, and listening to the buzzing drone of morning radio programs. This morning I did not wake up because I did not fall asleep, for whatever reason, although I do have an idea why. And god-forbid I take a nap for then dear old mom will get testy and bombard me with the most inane questions; questions she already knows the answer to. I suffer through this personalized hell all to hopefully escape to the haven that is college and thus free from any parental “guidance”. I only find solace in my ever expanding music collection and the various novels I read. I will say this, just because I am tired and weary of this life I tend to just learn to deal with my situation and to roll with the punches. If mom is yelling just wait it out, or hell try yelling back. What I find wonderful is that I can still enjoy my cup of coffee as sit and stare out at my backyard; that even though I cannot partake in the daily ritual of waking up this morning, at least I can enjoy the time honored tradition of having the first coffee of the day. And as I stare into that cup, I know that whatever happens I’ll deal with it one way or another. I raise my cup and say let’s hope that I do not become more depressed then I already am. That’s a horrible way to end this paper but depressed is what I feel, and so it shall be written. God, that was corny.
God. I want to crawl in a hole and die. I am just depressed as hell about life as many others are with their own lives. For the most part, I’m depressed with my regrets of my own apathy, my past inaction. I am trapped, contained, and chained down by my parents, my lack of movement. Most of these complaints are arbitrary when compared to the problems of the rest of the world. But as I sit, in my stoic position, and wasted my time on the internet. In the moments where I lay upon my bed, I thought about all this misery and pain that I felt, ultimately I think back to why I feel this pain. All my hurt and regrets because I am stuck in this mental state where my body is my cage. I could have been with her if my body was not a cage.
Today I woke up today very emotional, sad, fearful, and hateful. In the dream I was walking with a girl a liked and the conversation was progressing nicely, what we were walking towards I do not really remember except for the image of a tunnel leading god knows where.
As we were walking through a door and all of a sudden she disappears. I look back behind the door, and there she is hiding behind the door, with a look of resentment. I asked why she stayed back, I asked did she not want to talk to me. She said nothing. I asked if she did not want to talk to me because she found me irritating. Now she says yes, and the worst words that could have sprung from her mouth came.
I’m sorry but I don’t like you. The dream exemplified my worst fear, that people merely tolerate me. That I am an outsider with nothing truly to add, and am therefore not wanted.
The dream is trivial, and the idea is shallow. Oh people don’t like me, oh boo hoo. My dreams are vivid, and help to organize my thoughts. Dreams are sometimes painful, but I don’t think I would be the same without them.